Wishlist

(To understand this entry, it may help if you can find a way to listen to th 1998 recording of Peal Jam's Wishlist...but maybe not :-))

Well, Pearl Jam, Sometimes I wish I were a messenger and all the news was good...and sometimes I wish I was the full moon shining on a Camaro's hood. And I even wish sometimes I was a neutron bomb for once I could go off....and I wish I was a sacrifice and still lived on. And sometimes I wish I was a souvenir someone put their housekey on. And I wish often I was a silhouette--somebody that waited for me.

This last one, I get the feeling, a lot of my pastors wish as well. Even if there really is someone waiting at home for them there seems to be a deep yearning for that home place, that home-person-place that yearns for us back in a deeper, fuller, more heartfelt way. Somehow, sometimes, I wish:

that the pastors in my district, in the conference and the churches they lead would realize that this yearning in their souls...that need to "go off"--that deep soul-based desire to deliver the good news ...all of this can happen, it really can, if we tune our hearts to hear God's grace alive all around us.

Sometimes, sometimes I wish: that in addition to reading about the five practices for a healthy congregation, and quickly going to evaluation and critique of how we are doing with these practices, that we take a while to wander around in that wilderness and wonder of God's grace witnessed to us as we open ourselves to be led, open ourselves through regular, real prayer. And that a real passion of heart and mind might come to us, to make us desire to live out the practices not so much to meet a criteria of our own making, but because we cannot help to share the love of Christ.

And so, this year, as I continue to work with the Younger Adult Initiative, primarily in terms of supporting and holding our younger clergy accountable, I will also lead pastors and churches in a time of spiritual renewal...finally, that feels right, and first and finally, that is why we practice---to sense God nearer all the time, and to grow nearer in our heart and in our lives to the likeness of Christ.

Friday the 13th

A quick unpictured entry...on Friday the thirteenth, after talking with the Dell support line for two hours trying to fix a major problem with my laptap (that I use both for dsing and home), I was told by the technician that the only thing to do was to go back to the manufacturer's settings for the computer. I quickly tried to backup everything not already backed up...but alas, did not do a very good job of it. Thanks to the spouse of one of the pastors in the district, I hope to have some of my stuff back up and on tomorrow. So that you will not worry TOO much, I was able to reconstruct Quicken for my household finances, and maybe most important of all, was able to recover my Realarcade games. But Outlook is gone, including mail, contacts and the little bit of calendaring I did on it. Additionally, last night, while reinstalling the software for my Blackjack phone, I seem to have blown the connector from the phone to any of its adapters, and am unable to charge it. I will try first thing in the morning to get it fixed or replaced. Caleb said he thinks God is trying to either tell me to be less dependent on my two favorite contraptions, or to get a cheaper phone....

Stream of conscience ponderings while in Baltimore

Loved this sign! Cana and I loved the shop too--on 8th Ave North in Nashville.

I am in Baltimore at a Lewis Center for Church Leadership (Wesley Seminary) sponsored event. I am a part of a district superintendency cohort which began two years ago. There were 12 of us that began. Now there are 9---two have gone back to the local church and one is no longer in the ministry. We have met twice a year to help Lovett and the Center to find out how best practices can be developed early in the superintendency. It has been a really neat group--Liz Lopez and Gail Ford Smith I had met before. Others were new to me and are now good friends.

We do much honest sharing about the struggles and joys of our ministries---each of us superintends a bit differently. THe times I have come to this meeting have been one of the most generative experiences for me --- not that I take others' ideas wholesale, but somehow being with this group inspires and generates ideas particular to the HN district. Today, I got to thinking again about offering a book study each month. I would not have to lead each one---in fact I began brainstorming today books and pastors in my district whom I could ask for ideas and to lead. I also began to dream some about three "days apart" and what we might do to experience Advent/Christmas; Lent; and Easter together as district pastors. I thought about asking my lay leaders to chair our still-shaping District Round Table which functions in some ways like a district council...actually to be honest it hasn't functioned much at all even though we elected it last November. I've thought about methods for evaluation for my ministry as a superintendent. And, also, I will admit that along with the others here, I also have hoped and prayed today that my beloved United Methodist Church would not become "an antique of the future." I also was so touched this morning to hear from our district lay leaders, knowing that they, and others are praying for me while I am here. I am so sure about the power of prayer to focus and to birth ideas of the Spirit.

And, I was VERY tired today...didn't sleep well last night. However, I had a fairly neat prayer-learning this morning. I get nervous when this happens because once in a while in the past the chemical depression sometimes rears its unattrative head on days when I don't sleep. But maybe when I have these days for whatever reason, when I don't sleep well maybe I can see it as an experience to let go and let God...to know that it isn't the end of the world, and that despite my tiredness, God can work for good in me. Yes, I know...I should know this already. But some of those gosh darn simple truths are the ones you need to learn over and over. This letting go thing and the result from it today was a postmodern thing, kind of. There is mystery in it beyond cognition and power in it beyond what I could do by or for myself. To trust in the power of God to be at work in us; to relax into that; and to acknowledge it is also a way to "get over yourself" when you believe yourself "not at your best." Maybe it's in the times when we are required to be most reliant of the power of God to love us through and get us through, is really, in fact, when we are at our best. Actually, there is no "maybe about it".

Witnessing God's Love in a Glass, Dimly

This visit with Barbara and Joaquin Garcia is such a beautiful true thing. Today, as we sat out on their deck in the early afternoon, with members of their family and a friend or two, I realized how seldom I am with family, extended family on holidays. And then I realized, there really isn't a whole lot of extended family to be with, other than Sam and Su. And we are 350 miles from each other. And we have been received, as always, as family here. Then there is the lovliness of the Garcia home. I am not talking about mere prettiness that can be purchased at Nebraska Furniture Mart. I am talking about the care with which they take in maintaining the beauty of what they have. A house that has plenty of places to sit and talk; a house that is cared for and to whcih hase been given much care in its ability to welcome guests and family. I feel under some conviction about this. Right now, we do not live in a space to which I feel comfortable inviting friends and family. Remember we have chosen to live in this place in order for me to be closer to Caleb's school and to co-parent the kids along with their dad, who does not live very far away. I could be living in the Liberty parsonage...but I have chosen otherwise, and I am glad I have. The place is working well for us as a family. However, the place is not exactly the Ritz. The outside front steps are cracked; the top step is two inches higher than the rest; the foyer has cracked and dirty paint; and at last look there was a huge entertainment center that must be owned by one of the upstairs neighbors taking up most of the foyer area anyway. When you do eventually make your way through the front door of our first floor apartment, you will find a fairly unkempt living room, complete with two litter pans (for when we are away a lot as we have been and will be this month); a basket and a large bag full of clothes to take down to Westport to the Retro thrift store; knick knacks on the mantel; nearly dead plants that hardly ever get watered; and lots and lots of dust. It will, however, after this weekend have a piano (more to that story perhaps in another entry.)The rest of the house (if you can forgive the kids' rooms which are always in various stages from "not straightened up" to "the health inspector better not show up or we are in trouble") is actually most of the time not exactly spotless, but somewhat presentable---that includes the kitchen, my bedroom (where I spend the majority of my time---TV, computer, books are in that room) and the hall bathroom. The other bathroom is accessed through Cana's room and I don't take a look at it very often. This all is a confession. Some of all of this results from my busyness; some from my natural tendency to not care too terribly much about how my housekeeping skills are judged by the world; some of it, a lot of it, is because we are in a rental property that I am not sure how much money I want to spend out of pocket in order to get it ready for entertaining, which, by the way, I really do like to do. I think it may be time to get my house in a bit more order.

I realize here at the Garcias how much I yearn for more grounding in my space and in how I live. I realize that I am loved radically and thoroughly by friends I have known for over twenty years who want only the best for me. I realize that Barbara Garcia may be the most gracious person I have ever met. I realize that she and I talk about matters of the church that we find it difficult to share with many others. I know that my children and I are always welcome not only in this lovely home, but are always welcome to call on them for whatever we need, especially in the hard times. I realize I want to be more a reflection of the love found in the open arms of God, not just in my office, but in my home, even in the old, beat-up apartment that will be my home at least for another year, probably at least for two more years. I want people to be able to see in me and my hospitality at least a dim image of God's love for them. I want people to feel welcomed in my home and know that because of how I have treated them, they will have some assurance that eventually, even as they see only dimly now the abundant love of God, then, they will see face to face.

Grateful, I am, for these people, and for others elsewhere, who love us, no matter what.