Labyrinths and Pathways

This may be a bit incomprehensible here and a bit on the personal side, and to those in Missouri Methodism it might mean more than those not in "the kingdom," but here it goes. During the late summer/early fall of 2005 I was asked to be one of twenty five or so people to be on the Pathways task force for the annual conference, named by our bishop. He had/has a vision for re-discovering, for this particular time, what it means to be United Methodist, what the purpose of the annual conference is, and how best to shape our methods of living that purpose out. I, at first, was excited and felt honored to be a part of this vital work. But as the months went on and as I struggled with adjusting to the superintendency; as I discovered that the serotonin in my brain was not serotonining and medications were in order; as I felt like sometimes last year I was talking one step forward into a place of hope and vocational call, and another step back as I struggled to build a personal community, and as I experienced the real loss of a local church and the church staff relationships--as all of this happened, many of the meetings which I attended became for me sources of added stress. I often feel in meetings that I speak too quickly, speak too much, speak too brashly, and then also really think I have something of significance to say but I feel like I am speaking Swahili to a bunch of Irish shamrock growers, or something. I felt this last year in cabinet sometimes, and oftentimes in Pathways. I haven't always recognized what the trigger is and sometimes I have but can't do anything about it. I know that the work of Pathways is already making a positive difference in conference life, and I know it will continue to do so. However, because of the stress of it for me, for whatever reason, I have stepped away the last couple of months. I felt good about that decision to step away, but something strange has been happening the last couple of weeks---I want to get involved again, something even a month ago I didn't think I would ever say.
Here are some reasons, I think:
1) I truly think my voice, especially the voice which is made possible because of the breath of the Holy Spirit in me around the emerging conversation is needed. I think all of this "stuff"---reading, speaking, leading workshops, has allowed me to claim that. I also think my voice as a woman is needed there too. At least that's what I think.
2) I want to support my bishop, not by always saying "what a great idea!" (though I do say that a lot :-); but also by saying "on the other hand..." and sticking to my guns (not a great turn of phrase) when I do believe I'm right. Bishop Schnase always listens and even when he is quite sure of his opinion, allows for disagreement.
3) I want to be there for those who may not always feel as confident about speaking those "on the other hand" words to a bishop, even if that bishop is our rs.
4) And, I think the biggest reason that I want to get involved again, is that I feel strong enough to...that I want to experiment this week to see if I really can get through it without feeling as if I want to scream out loud or strangle somebody. That would be a real step forward. It is a strange phenomenon which is hard to describe.
Bishop Schnase is the one who came up with "Pathways" as the name for this task force which is doing this significant work. I think my experience the last couple of years is more like a labyrinth than a path. I used to walk a labyrinth in Carbondale, Illinois and although it was/is a solitary spiritual experience, it is one that leads to that center, that Christ presence, even with the twists and turns it takes to get there. Sometimes as you walk it, you just sense when it is time to stop, to hesitate, to think, to pray. And then you move on, toward Christ as you go inward to the center, and in some sense as you walk out again, you are a Christ bearer in a new way. The bends and turns change you. Yes, there are complications in life. And whatever they might be-- chemical depression, or meetings that drive you crazy, or your own heart when it takes you to a place or a person which/who leads you to more twists and turns than you ever bargained for, or the complication of faith itself--those complications, those crooked places are so important to walk, and they straighten out our souls.